Wife Swap - Cullen Style
by Archeletta
Summary: The Cullen kids enter Esme for Wife Swap. What could go wrong? Well, many things.
1. Chapter 1

_**CHAPTER 1**_

* * *

 **Esme's POV:**

* * *

"Esme, dear, can you pick the mail for me?" Carlisle asked.

"Of course"

Bill, bill, another bill, Alice's fashion magazine, more bills, Rosalie's car magazine, Wife Swap, bill… Wait… WHAT!? WIFE SWAP?! Ok, calm down Esme, calm down. Breathe, count to 10, calm down, thanks Jasper…

* * *

 **Alice's POV:**

* * *

"Edward, Emmett didn't pick the mail, Esme did!" I called trough my mind.

"Kids, for the sake of what you love the most, come down here. NOW! I don't care if you're 'bizzy'!"

Good, we are… We are screwed.

"Thought of the century Alice" Edward said.

"I know, but the future had so many 'Happy endings', and certainly this isn't one of them."

"I said NOW!" Esme isn't this angry since we completely shattered the glass wall. Better go or my clothes are dead.

"And Jasper?" Valentine asked.

"She wouldn't kill Jasper, I know it. So either is my clothes or my cars."

"Or both." I hadn't thought of that, better not… Oh no.

"Esmeee! I'm coommmiiing!" I sang. The others chuckled.

"Rose, if you want to stay with your cars you're better come. Now" She sprinted and jumped the stairs at once. Jeez.

It sounded so good when we did it…

'

* * *

 **Flashback ON (Still Alice's POV.)**

* * *

'

We were watching Wife Swap. Voodoo and a Christian family. This thing was addictive. Then, it crossed my mind.

"Alice you won't-"

"But it would be fun. I can see it."

"I can see it too, but you didn't let me finish. You won't do it, at least, not alone." Valentine spoke.

"Won't do alone what?" Jasper asked.

"Well we are going to enter Esme on Wife Swap…"

"Why?" Edward asked. Oh, I didn't saw him there.

"Esme would be a treat for the other kids, while we could have some fun with the new mom." I smirked.

"Ok, so let's fill the application." Emmett copied my smirk. I opened the laptop and Emmett took it from my hands.

* * *

 ** _Wife Swap Application_**

 **Family name: Cullen**

 **Mom's name: Esme Ann Plat 'Cullen'**

 **Dad's name: Carlisle Cullen**

 **Mom's age: 28**

 **Dad's age: 30**

"Are you going to put 300?"

"No, do you think I'm stupid?" I did a dramatic eye roll.

 **How long have you been together? 10 years.**

"Put like… 60 years in there and see their reaction"

"Emmett!" Rosalie scolded

"What?"

"Arg… Say like, 10 years?"

 **Any pets? Jacob Black**

"Emmett you're a genius!"

"I know I am."

 **Who does what in the house?**

 **Cooking? Everyone**

"The forest." Jasper joked and we all laughed.

 **Cleaning? Esme**

 **Money? Carlisle**

"But…" I muttered

"I know Alice, I know…"

 **Shopping? Alice**

 **Taking care of the kids? Esme**

 **Planning social life?**

"…"

"Jump that one"

"But technically that's you, Alice"

"Nah"

 **Kid's homework? The 'Kids'**

"…"

"What"

"…"

 **Kids and their ages:**

 **Rosalie-18**

 **Bella-17**

 **Alice-17**

 **Valentine-18**

 **Emmett-18**

 **Edward-17**

 **Jasper-18**

 **Are the kids allowed to date? Yes**

"And apparently to marry too"

 **Junk food allowed? (Your diet) Strict vegetarians.**

"I had never thought of that, but you know that what we do is anything less being a vegetarian"

"What? You're right!"

"I'm always right"

 **Have someone ever been in jail (or is) because of any illegal activity? No**

"No… At least they didn't catch us…"

 **Does someone in your household have any kind of medical condition? No**

"…"

"We are all healthy as a horse"

 **Is there something special about your family? The kids are all adopted.**

"Oh yes! More than a family we are a clan, a vampire clan, we all have crossed our 100 year mark, and some of us are older than our parents… The list is huge!"

"The list isn't that big! OK, it is… But we have another huge thing. This!" I said pointing to the laptop screen.

"We can't be all doing this, I'll keep filling these and you can start the video or planning it".

* * *

Hey!

First chapter, first fanfiction and probably one of the many Cullen Wife Swap stories. But, after reading so many of them if couldn't stop thinking different outcomes and ideas, so I decided to write one myself. I also added my own character, Valentine, who's based of my personality and which has a chance of being in future projects. You'll find out more about her with the following chapters.

Criticism is more than appreciated!


	2. Chapter 2

_**ESME'S POV**_

* * *

The limo had arrived now, after a couple of shots from half a dozen of cameras we were ready to film the goodbyes.

With a sign from the people of the camera crew I approached Bella and Edward.

"I will miss you both" I said to them.

"We will miss you too, mom" My hearth melted when they called me mom. I love when they do that.

"Keep the boys on line Bella."

"I will." She smiled sweetly.

"And Edward, even if the new mom 'bothers' you, please, compose yourself."

"I will" He said. I hugged them.

I approached Alice and Jasper. Before I could even talk, Alice spoke.

"I'll miss you. Lots."

"I will miss you too Alice. And you Jasper." I said to them both.

"I will miss you too, mom." Jasper normally didn't call me 'mom'. My hearth melted again.

"Alice, Jasper, you know the powerful pair you make when you pair up. Especially with Edward and Valentine. So I ask you, please, don't 'kill' the new mom." I said the word 'kill' in a mocking tone, but they knew I was serious.

"Don't worry…" They said together.

I approached Rosalie and Emmett.

"I'll miss you mommy." Emmett gave me a bear hug.

"I'll miss you too."

"What have we done, what have we done…" Rosalie muttered while hugging me.

"It's OK dear."

"Emmett, you can prank the new mom, but don't do something that can hurt her. Rosalie, if the new mom bothers you just ignore. Ignorance is there for something. OK?"

"OK. Don't worry."

I approached Valentine.

"I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too Esme." She hugged me hard. "I wish you didn't have to leave."

"Like I said to Rosalie, if the new mom bothers you, use something very useful called 'ignorance'. And like I said to Alice and Jasper -you, Alice, Jasper and Edward are a powerful bunch; you know what you are capable of doing together."

"Don't worry Esme."

Then, by last, but certainly not least, my soul-mate, my husband, my everything, Carlisle.

"We never stayed this long without seeing each other…"

"I know…"

We hugged until the horn of the limo was heard.

* * *

 **JASMINE JONHSON POV**

* * *

I was leaving my perfect family to be the 'new mom' for some Cullen family. I didn't like that idea, but, this was my opportunity to appear on national TV and show how a perfect family behaves. And hopefully, to teach some manners to the other family.

By watching many Wife Swap episodes, I knew that the families were most of the time opposites. So the only reason that they selected me was because, out there, exists a family that I would never get along well.

Already inside the limo, I was informed that I would be going to some place called 'Forks'. 'Forks'? Maybe there's a place called 'Spoons' too; who knows?

After a couple of hours I saw a sign that said 'Welcome to Washington', so Forks is in Washington? An hour or so passed and I saw another sign, this time saying 'Welcome to Forks'.

I could notice that everything around me was surrounded by trees. Not so long after, we turned to a dirt road in the middle of the forest. Where does this family live? Are they so poor that they have to live in the middle of the forest?

Great, this was perfect. Probably they are an uneducated family with 5 or 6 children that are on drugs.

A couple of minutes passed and I could start seeing a meadow with what looked like a huge house in the middle. My vision of the family changed completely, 1 or 2 spoiled kids with parents that are never home. And if they didn't take drugs, they sold them. There was no way that someone could be this rich.

After a while the limo stopped in front of the house. After the camera men that came behind us came out and settled up the cameras, I came out.

The house was more like of a mansion, it had a modern aura but it had probably more than 100 years, and still, it could harmonize perfectly with the surroundings. It almost looked like the house was too a tree that was meant to be there since the very beginning.

Once inside the house, I headed to the living room. Many couches and chairs were visible and a huge – about 70 inches TV was hanging on the wall. 2 shelves – one with video games and another with movies – were, one on each side of the TV. The room was all decorated with browns.

Next I went to the dining room and a long table surrounded by 10 chairs was placed in the middle of the division. Some paintings were hanging on the wall. Originals with no doubt.

Then I went to the kitchen, everything was of stainless steel and had every new appliance that you could imagine. I opened the fridge and saw many vegetables, fruit, soy milk, and tofu steaks. Vegetarians? How could they live without meat? Back home me and my husband even hunted to save money.

I went to the 2nd story. The first door was a room. It was decorated with lime greens, browns and reds. The bed was even bigger than a king size and there were many fashion magazines on the top of it. In the wall there were authentic war artifacts. In the room there were also 2 more doors. One of them was a bathroom, and the other one a closet. The closet was about the size of the room. At first I thought it was a girl's room, but a small section of the closet was filled with man's clothes. A girl and a boy share a room? That was wrong.

The 2nd door was also a room. This time it was decorated with blues, browns and whites. The bed – again – was bigger than a king size. In one of the corners of the room there was a grand piano, and in one of the walls there was a shelf filled with music and literature classics. The 2 doors were present in this room. The bathroom looked the same and the closet also had both genders clothes.

The 3rd door was another room. It was decorated with reds, leopard print, and golden. One of the walls was completely covered with mirrors. The bed was even bigger than all the other ones. A vanity with all the possible beauty products was in the opposite wall to the mirror. Again, the 2 doors were there. I didn't bother to open the doors again.

The 4th door was too a bedroom. It was a black themed room with some kind of old style that I couldn't recognize. The bed was a king sized one and on top of it was a notepad with a 'Do not open' warning. It had 1 shelf filled with classic books. A chair and a small table were in a corner of the room and had what looked like a tablet on top. The closet was filled with some old styled clothes that matched the style of the room.

The 5th door was a study/library. It was huge and occupied the same space of all of the other rooms combined. It had shelves and shelves of books. Trough that maze I found an office desk, leather chair and a computer. In – by my sense of direction – what looked like the opposite side of the room, a quilt was laid down on the floor with many open books and a writing machine. It looked like a scene out of a movie.

Thinking back, the whole house looked like a reality show mansion.

Directed by the camera crew, I entered a door that I had forgotten. It was another bedroom. This bedroom had a different aura on it. All of the other rooms had a mature yet childish aura, but this one looked like it belonged to older people. The room had a warm felling on it, once inside the room it looked like all of your worries disappeared. Whoever this room belonged was a lucky person.

The 3rd story was a one division room. It had a wall filled with TVs and to each one was connected a console. In the middle of all of that TVs there was a giant one – even bigger than the one from the living room. The other wall had clothes hanging; clothes like the ones you see on price awards with all that Hollywood glam, and others were costumes, wigs and accessories. On the opposite side to the door you had all sorts of gambling tables and machines that you could find on a casino, and on the other side you had a shelf filled with table and card games. On the floor a game of 'Battleship' was at half way played. In one side the ships were strategically placed, and on the other they were forming an 'E'.

Again, I had forgotten a door. I opened the door and I gasped. It was a music room. It was filled with all of the instruments you could imagine, and in one of the corners of the room you had a small stage like the ones you see at concerts. A small shelf was against the wall and had all the appliances to play any instrument in that room, amps for the guitar, bows for the violin…

I followed in front of the camera crew to the garage. The garage was huge and had 6 cars and 2 motorcycles, but it still had plenty of space left. All of the cars were from expensive brands, and probably if I sold one of those cars I'd have money for the rest of my life.

"Now, go to the front porch, the family is coming." One of the members of the camera crew said.


	3. Chapter 3

**_Hi people :)_**

 ** _After a kind comment from a fellow person here on Fanfiction I decided that a new chapter would be more than welcomed, so stay with it!_**

* * *

Already on the living room I sat on the couch, not so long after the first member of the family came in. It was a buff boy, muscles like he was on steroids, which he probably was. He was holding a blond, sculptural, magazine cover like girl. A second or so later a bronze haired guy came in, he had his arm draped around the shoulders of a brunette. Then a blond boy and a pixie like girl came in, she was almost jumping with glee (?). By last, a girl with odd clothes that surely followed a style that wasn't from this century and a blond man that looked like the dad of the family came in, closing the door behind them.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Carlisle Cullen and this is my family. And you are?" A _doctor_ , it sure explained the fact that they lived in this mansion.

"I'm Tazmira Johnson." I heard snickering as I talked.

"Kids, introduce yourselves." He spoke with a golden voice.

"I'm Valentine." The girl with the odd clothes and light brown wavy hair spoke.

"I'm Alice! It's so nice to meet you!" She had a grin on her face while she bounced my way and gave me an hug.

"I'm Jasper ma'am." The pain faced blond boy spoke politely with his slight western accent.

"Friends and family call me Rose, but since you aren't my friend and certainly not my family, it's Rosalie for you." The bond brat spoke, how dare she. All of the kids had a proud smile on their faces, even Carlisle had a small grin.

"Rose, behave." The dad said to her, but it didn't buy me.

"I'm Emmett. And I'm not going to like you being my new mommy." He was so buff and tall but he spoke so innocently, like a toddler. And I was hurt.

"I'm Bella." The brunette who now I knew to be shy spoke.

"I'm Edward." The bronze haired boy lastly spoke with an honey voice. Damn God, everyone in this family was drop dead gorgeous. And strangely, everyone had golden eyes. They're so rich that they put gold in their eyes.

"Well, tell us a little about yourself." The blond Greek God asked.

"Me and my husband John have 3 children, we are religious and go to church every Sunday."

"So, me and my wife Esme adopted 7 children. I'm a doctor and she's and interior designer. We're vegetarian.

"I noticed some of the kids holding hands, which of them are related?"

"Edward and Valentine are brother and sister, Rosalie and Jasper are twins. The others are not related. As for holding hands, we let them date each other since they are not related." What?! OK, you won't let your repugnance towards this family show up.

"Ok. Well, when's the dinner ready?" I talked, they laughed. It seemed like an enormous circle that would never end. And I had only talked about dinner.

"Since we're many we can never agree on what to eat, so they make their own food when they want. But be free to make dinner for yourself if you want to"

"You should have at least one time of the day to be with them, dinner and lunch are those times. The they'll grow up and they'll be out of this house and you would have whished to stay more time with them." I talked, they laughed. What was so funny? I only said a truth.

"Well, I'm going upstairs to my office. I think the kids will be going to somewhere else too." As soon as Carlisle talked the kids fled upstairs and he followed them not so after.

* * *

 ** _A couple of seconds later..._**

* * *

"Well, Edward, Valentine, what does she think?"

"Uh... You're sure you want to hear it?" Valentine spoke quite afraid.

"If you're like that them I really want to hear it." Emmett said quite in a scary voice.

"Alice, you're an hyper, sugar-crazed girl; Jasper, you're an western depressed teenager; Bella, you're a shy girl; Emmett, you're a grown up toddler on steroids; Rosalie, you're an stuck up b**ch." It was a rare event hearing Valentine curse, but everyone overlooked it as they heard what was told about themselves.

"And apparently I have an 'Honey Voice' while Valentine is some emo girl. Apart that Carlisle is a Greek God." They didn't know id they laughed or if they turned mad.

"Well, you know what was our intention when we decided to go on Wife Swap, don't you?" Emmett spoke whit an evil grin on his face.

"Have some fun with the new mom?" Bella said.

"Yes, apart that we are going to make it a living hell!" Alice finished.

Oh, the crazy two weeks that were destined to the new mom.

* * *

 _ **Edward and Valentine are NOT related, it's only to the family seem more normal to outsiders.**_

 _ **Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this new chapter!**_


	4. Chapter 4

_**Hi! This chapter is slightly bigger than the others, I hope you enjoy it.**_

* * *

 _3rd person POV-_

Esme was already inside the limo that would take her to New York, she was happy that she was going to see how an human family works, and possibly, what was like to have actual children for 2 weeks. But she was also sad, leaving her vampire family behind while an human stayed in her place was not something that she was keen on. She'd never been so much time apart from her family.

After a couple of hours and a plane flight, Esme was now being driven to the new family house. She passed by an huge mall and remembered how the girls would love to shop there. At least the girls apart Bella. she only became to hate shopping even more with her transformation. She passed by a park with many trees and birds chirping. She instantly remembered how Valentine, her newest daughter, would love to be there.

An hour had passed and the limousine entered a street where all houses where the same, like in "Despicable Me", a movie that Emmett made them watch on Movie Monday.

The limo stopped in front of one of the houses and Esme got out. The house was a pale yellow like all the others in that neighborhood, it had a white fence around the house, but the paint was already pealing. The grass was yellow, like it hadn't been watered in ages.

She finally got in the house, which for TV image, the door was already open. It had a small hall with a chair where some jackets hung. She took her jacket off and placed it there too. From the hall she went to the kitchen, where the house manual laid on the counter. The kitchen had no microwave and was pretty simple. Next was the living room, which was the clear fail of a blue themed room. It had no television.

Esme climbed the stairs to the second floor. The first door was a room. It looked like a girl's room, but she wasn't sure about it. The room had no personality. The second door was another room. This looked like a boy's room, but like the first one, Esme wasn't sure. The third door was also a room, but this belonged to older people, the parents, she assumed. The fourth room was a bathroom.

She went to the kitchen and started reading the manual.

"Dear new mom,

I'm Tazmira, and me and my husband, Ted, have 3 children. Amy, she's the youngest, she's 7. And Mathew and Michael, they're twins and they're 14. We are the Johnson's family.

In this household the rules are strict, the children are educated to be someone wealthy in society one day. Because of this, to achieve their success, the children aren't allowed to watch TV, have a strict bedtime and do most of the housework. We believe that the children should only spoke when spoken too and that children shouldn't be listened to and they should only listen.

The children also have their day full of activities. If they're occupied they will not cause trouble. For more information of their activities check the list on the fridge.

I hope to bring order, better behavior and understanding to your family while you stay with my perfect one."

Esme didn't spoke trough the hole reading. She was astonished.

"This children are treated like slaves, having no time to do what they like. Children should have fun." Esme spoke to the cameras.

"Come to the living room, the family is about to come."

Esme soot on the couch and waited for the family. After 5 minutes a medium build, black haired man walks trough the door, with tree children behind him. They all had black hair, but the boys had brown eyes while the girl had greenish ones.

"Hello, I'm Ted, as you already may know." The dad of the family spoke.

"Hello, I'm Amy." The youngest one said.

"Hello, I'm Michael." One of the twins said.

"Hello, I'm Mathew." The last one said. They all spoke like of they were robots.

The family soot on the opposite couch, everyone looked like statues, unmoving, like they had the most important person in the world in front of them. The dad of the family, for the sake of the TV show, spoke up.

"So, what's your name?" He spoke in a monotone.

"I'm Esme Cullen." Esme answered.

"How many children do you have?" Ironically, Esme couldn't think of any better question to start this. By the little she knew of this family, they wouldn't accept it that well.

"Me and my husband have 7 kids. Well, not so kids anymore..." Esme let out a chuckle in hopes of loosening the tension a bit.

"Seven kids? They probably were hard to raise... I mean, having to go through their childhood and teenage years was probably difficult." Ted hit right on the point for Esme to say that they were 'adopted'.

"They were adopted when they most needed, we didn't pass by childhood with any of them..." To say that the look on the other family's faces was priceless was an understatement.

"Oh... Sure..." The father retreated in the couch, the still and strict figure disappearing.

"What are their names?" Amy spoke for the second time since Esme arrived. She was young, innocent, but she did notice the disproving, scolding look her father threw her.

"Their names are Valentine, Emmett and Rosalie, Alice and Jasper, and Edward and Bella." Esme spoke kindly, not wanting to scare the girl more that she was from the dagger looks her father was throwing her.

"You said their names paired up, are they all twins and brothers?" Ted spoke again, cold voice, not anymore the polite and strict one he was using before. If he was already pissed up (?), saying the truth was going to make his mood even worse.

"No... They all date within each other, except Valentine. We allow it since they aren't related." Again, the look on their faces was something form another world, for them it was scandalous, and for others back in Forks it was too. Esme didn't blame them, she recognized it was indeed strange for outsiders.

"Well, kids, go wash up and then make dinner. Esme, you can use the room upstairs of you want. I've already planned on staying on the couch of this 2 weeks. I'll be meting some of my work friends." With that said, Ted went out of the house, lazily picking up his jacket on the way.

Esme offered to help with dinner but the kids refused it, saying she should follow the house rules for the first week.

It was going to be a long week for Esme. All that she was that her family was good back home.

* * *

 _ **I'm sorry for not updating in so long, I have no excuse for my hiatus and I wont make up one. Writer's block and laziness took over me.**_

 _ **Well, I hope you wait for the next chapter!**_


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